Sunday, October 04, 2009

Where the Economy Went

Feeling particularly irascible after celebrating my first year of unemployment, I figured I would sit down and pen a few notes for those in the "economic forecasting community".

So many people in the economic community -- particularly (but not limited to) Wall St., academia, and TV talking heads -- are scratching their heads wondering where the economy went. After yet another long, sleepless night of anger caused by wondering why so many people could be so highly educated yet so stupid in practical terms, I've decided to explain the current economy to people who don't understand why the economy hasn't recovered yet. In short, the economy hasn't recovered yet because you don't understand what happened to it.

Executive Summary: No, Virginia, there is to be no "V-shaped" Immaculate Recovery.

In Business Model Terms:
Great news boss! We laid off Research and Design. We also laid off Manufacturing and Purchasing! We've cut our costs completely to 0! Even better news! As a side benefit, we were able to completely eliminate Shipping! We now consist only of the Profit Centers of Marketing, Sales and of course, Upper Management. That's right, ZERO overhead!

(To Self) I'm sure its only a matter of time before we're able to optimize those. Just wait until the analysts hear how we've been able to cut costs! oooooohhhh I just can't WAIT until the next round of bonuses! I'm gonna CASH IT IN! Hello corner office!

In Semi-Allegorical terms:
You had a goose that laid golden eggs. Every quarter, like clockwork, your goose would plonk out a auric cackleberry worth $10,000. Good, true, but how to make it better? Hmmm.... how's about feeding it twice as much? Would that make even more golden eggs? Nahhh, that would make it cost too much. We're already spending $100 per quarter on feed already. How's about figuring out a way to cut the cost of feed? Instead of duck food, why not try dirt? Or better, why not air! That's cheap and provided by the government (or whoever... we're not really sure where air comes from, but at least it don't come from our pocket!)

Ok, output is down, but we're sure there'll be a rebound in 3Q12. After all, the sharper the downturn, the more dramatic the recovery!

For you Analysis/Quant types:
99% of the income-earners in the American economy (The Poor) get by on roughly $40k per year. 9/10th of 1% (The Middle Class) earn $100k per year and the remaining 1/10th of 1% (The Rich) earn upwards of that.
Eliminate the income stream of The Middle Class by destroying and/or outsourcing manufacturing (damn American autoworkers, they're expensive!), "in-sourcing" tech jobs (fucking electronics designers, they're expensive!) and shipping overseas every other fucking job that isn't nailed down. Who's that leave us with on the jobs front? Lessee... Wall Mart and bussing tables at Denny's (By the way, both of those jobs now employs the New Middle Class, who just pushed the poor out of all those cush jobs.) and The Rich -- who, when not raiding the Treasury -- mill about all day wondering why Wall St. investments aren't up. Nothing to worry about here... after all it's the Rich that drive this economy. Come on V-shaped recovery! (Don't forget to tip!)

For Fans of W-esque Republican Sloganeering:
That "Next Technology" that all of us were supposed to "retrain" ourselves to do.... well, it never happened because you sent all the fucking technology jobs to China and China ain't so hot on sending "New Technology" jobs anywhere other than... (I'll give you a hint: It ain't Taiwan.)

In Environmental Terms:
You strip-mined the economy and are now wondering why nothing's growing in the bare rock. Come back in a few hundred years.

In Biological Terms:
You stupid, idiotic, blood-sucking leeches. You sucked the host dry. It's dead. You're gonna either spend the next 30 years dodging vultures feeding on the carcass of your dead (former) host, or dry-hump it into the hinterlands and find a new victim. Hope you speak Chinese are a quick-study on Communist Party slogans.

In Geopolitical Terms:
China's version of Ronald Reagan demanded that America "tear down that (trade) wall!". We did. Now we have the economy of (the former) East Germany.

In Psychological Terms:
Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: Food, Housing, Health, Education for their Kids, Big Screen TVs. The top four are shot in the ass. Guess what's left?

Executive Executive Summary: It's the jobs, stupid. You fucking destroyed them. 300 million people working at Wall Mart ain't an economy and they damn-sure couldn't afford to shop at the mall even if they wanted to.

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